Wednesday, January 27, 2010

In Search of Torley


DATELINE: 7 January 2009

You all know him, you've seen his movies, you may even have seen him on the grid. Today I was assigned the task of tracking down the one and only Torley Linden. That's right the King of the SL tutorial, the Prince of Pink and Green, Mister Friendly Greetings!

My first task was tracking down Mr. Linden's office. This is not as easy as you might presume, for though there are many wonderful searching aids in Second Life™, none of the doors at Governor Linden's Mansion are actually marked. Nudity is discouraged at the mansion, but that didn't deter me from my mission. Still, I had to be careful;  I've never gotten the impression that all Torley's cousin's were quite as friendly as he, so I was anxious not to get pinned down by the wrong Linden.

Eventually I did find the correct door and popped my head in. Torley's office is a lot bigger on the inside than you might think from it's exterior appearance.  It's an indescribable world filled with green and pink neon, larger than life and micro small. Where melon rinds are carousels and dinosaurs dance amid rolling hills and dine on Chinese take-out. Wonders filled my eyes in every direction, but no Torley.

I was contemplating my next move when I was approached by a dark stranger. "Kin I help yahz?" he asked. He was a little scruffy, a little short in the pants, and generally more pungent than the usual man on the street.

Putting on my best professional smile I replied "Oh, thank you, no, I was just looking for Torley Linden. I was hoping for an interview..."

The gentleman was suddenly overcome by the most curious of grins, filled with more teeth than you would think would fit into a single mouth. "Well..." he drawled, "as it happens, I'm Mr. Torley's personal assist.... Manager. Yes, heh heh, howllll.  Howl can I help you?"

"Well, I'm writing a profile piece on him, maybe you can tell me when he'll be available?"

The fellow seemed to be thinking about that for a long time, long enough for a single drop of drool to slowly drip from one of his long incisors to the ground. "Well you know, Mr. T is a very busy man, 'e's of your more important Lindenz, 'e iz."

I tried to reassure him, hoping he'd be a short cut through to Torley. "Maybe you can help me with some background. What's it like working for the most famous resident in the metaverse?"

His eyes turned sad, misting a little as he looked into the distance. With a grumble he croaked "I don't know if I should tell this..."

I tried to give him encouragement, recrossing my legs. He responded with that toothsome leer and kept talking. "T's a complicated man, there's that obsession of his for watermelon."

I nodded, "We all know about that. There was also An incident at his bachelor party involving drunken WoW Dwarf tossing. Some accusations of insider scripting, and a rumored addiction to particles."

I straightened up, clearly this story went a lot deeper than I had imagined. "He sounds much more than his public persona..."

He grinned that forest of yellow ivory at me, nodding as he warmed to his story. "Oh yes, the T-man has his dark side too." He glanced down at a watch and leered up again. "Say, would you like to come see one of his newer movies?" And before you could say packet loss we were away to the theater.

I'm not sure what to say about the feature, it didn't have any of the familiar TL trademarks, the pinball bells, the frank narration, or the friendly greetings. Instead, it had a more somber, almost blood curdling lilt. It clearly depicted a departure from his previous movies, perhaps growing in a new direction. Then my companion informed me that he did have access to the set of T's current film.

Hoping this last shot might provide me with the interview I've sought, I accompanied him to a dark warehouse. We searched high and low, but Mr. Linden was no where to be found.

Reporting for CMNF Naughty News, I'm Zimmi Warwick.

"Max, can you please put the camera down and get me off this thing! Good wolfie, good, stay boy."